Lately, I don’t really know what to do with myself. I have no motivation to do anything whatsoever, and I’m so… tired, of existing in daily life with apathy like this. Yes, I have a tendency to be apathetic, but never towards myself and how I conduct my life. I have no energy, no desire, no drive to follow through with things I’ve set out to do. I sit on the couch all day with my cats, and watch movies or lame day time television. It has to stop. Something has to change.

My friends seem to think that it’s my depression back in full swing, but they don’t realize that that never goes away, I will always have that. This time, though, I don’t think depression is really it. This feels… different, I guess. I can’t really describe it correctly. I was thinking about it all the way to Quesnel last night, and I think I’ve solved it.

Since I lost my job all those months ago, I really haven’t done anything. I rarely (if ever) leave the house, I don’t like to do things for myself, and I don’t enjoy anything. I don’t take pride in my appearance like I did when I was working… I don’t wear make up at all anymore, and my hair is a chaotic mess. I stepped on the scale last night, and actually thew up. The amount of weight I’ve gained… I knew I had gained a little bit, but that much… I can’t even wrap my brain around it. The worst part of it is that I don’t look like I weight that much, at all. I’ve only gone up one size in clothing, so I don’t know where this extra weight is hiding. I feel sick even thinking about it.

I decided that the only way to pull myself out of this, is to force myself, to literally throw myself back into Life. I need to change my diet (though not much – I am pretty much eating vegan already aside from the occassional slip up), get exercising, and get into the job searching full time. Once I have the job thing secured, I’ll be saving up to go to the gym. I have work out DVDs to tie me over until I can afford it. I can’t wait around for my sister anymore, delaying and delaying as she always does. When I went to the health food store the other day, the nutritionist lady recommended to me some fibre pills that will help control my appetite naturally, so hopefully that will be a big help.

Once I get home from Quesnel on Tuesday (David and I are here visiting his mum), my house is going to be ransacked. No more Coca-cola, no more ice cream, no more quick and easy meals… I’m done. Nothing tastes as good as how good I’m going to feel when I get my energy back. Wednesday is going to be dedicated to getting my resume done and handed out… if I need to hide piercings to get a job… so be it. Now that Alice isn’t working at Zellers anymore… I might be able to get my old job back. I’m keeping my fingers crossed. Hopefully I’ll have a job by the middle of September. Sean found a job, I don’t see why I can’t.

This site is going to get the revamp it’s been waiting for… when I get my cheque in a little bit, I’m going to be upgrading my hosting so I can start a weightloss blog and some other projects I’ve been throwing around. 8)  I’ve never had a weightloss blog, but hopefully it will help me keep my motivation.