I spent my vacation mostly just lazing around. I was rather disappointed in myself, considering all of the goals I set out for myself this past week. I didn’t even accomplish one. Which makes me inwardly reflect and I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m just… horrible with goals and “to-do” lists and tasks outside of work. Once work is over, it’s like that part of my brain shuts down and commands me to DO ABSOLUTELY NOTHING until it’s time to return to work. I hate it. I really, really hate it because I’ve always prided myself on being task oriented and being someone who could just bust out and get things done. It seems that I’m not like that anymore. I’m going to try to be… I just wish I had something that would really motivate me.

I found out last night that I’m getting my inheritance next week. I was kind of confused as to why… I was under the impression that you only receive inheritance when someone has passed on, but apparently not. As sad as taking this money makes me, I’m extremely grateful. I can’t help but feel that this is the cosmos’ way of giving me a gentle boot to the ass to take care of and get my business in order. I’m going to be able to pay off several of my debts, get new glasses and invest in a gym membership. Which… is a huge breath of fresh air. A lifted weight.

David and I might be moving again. -_- This time, right out of town, into the boonies. I’m not really thrilled about it, considering it would take me out of my comfort zone completely… I really don’t want to do it. I hate moving. I always promised myself that if David and I did ever move again, it would be into our own roommate free house. I don’t want to say ‘no’ until I’ve actually seen the house… but my guts are telling me that this isn’t the time. Especially to out there. I moved into town to get away from the isolation… I’m not ready to move back into it.

So I’m late getting to bed, so I’ll wrap this up by leaving you with some brain food:

Work has been getting better. I just… decided one night that I wasn’t going to let people and their stupid shit get to me anymore. Once I came to that decision, my productivity has gone up and I feel better. Hope has been trying to drag me into things, but I’ve just kind of let it go in one ear and out the other. Of course, work related issues I still go to Mike or Brandon with. Brandon seems to be most receptive and he’s good for either dealing with it right away or relaying it to Mike. I can honestly say that for the first time in… well, forever, I’m content at work. Of course, that being said, I’ve probably jinxed myself and shit will hit the fan. LOL.

I’m hoping to get some work done on the site in the next couple days… I know I always say that, but I always get distracted and this time, I’m going to keep those distractions to a minimum if possible. I’m going to have the house to myself, and I’ll make sure to be loaded up with goodies and SKR and just git-r-done. I’m excited. In the meantime, though, I did change the featured video in the goodies section. I’ve been meaning to do that for a while.

Off to get ready for work.

Work is a constant source of stress. I’m trying to ignore all of the drama, but it just doesn’t seem to be working. I’ve begun to actually loathe the idea entirely of going to work. Which… for me is pretty big because I used to really love my job. My new manager, Mike, is never around. When he is, he’s off on his own planet and when I try to talk to him about the problems I’m having, I can barely get two words out of my mouth before he runs off again. My new support manager Brandon, is (as Bryce so eloquently put it) a bird brain. He doesn’t think things through, and more often than not, I have to call him and tell him I’m unable to do the task he’s given me because there is either no room to put the merchandise out or he’s given me no direction. I would normally figure things out for myself, but all changes have to have managerial approval, or else I get in trouble. Which… doesn’t make sense to me because they’re always nagging us to take the initiative. My other support manager, Ron, is a hardcore racist and talks trash about everyone, including me, even through I’ve never done anything to him to warrant that kind of treatment. Things with co-workers are getting worse as well. There are two individuals in particular that just… eat at my nerves. I understand that neither of them like me, which is fine. Lots of people don’t like me, and it’s something I’ve come to terms with it. The problem that I’m having is that the both of them are so immature about it, and they’re over twice my age. It’s hard to deal with because I don’t know how to respond. I’m being polite and professional and trying to ignore them, but it’s getting progressively worse and I don’t know how to handle it. I’ve never really been in this kind of situation and it aggravates me. I’m going to corner Mike and tell him about it. I’ll block the door until he talks to me.

After a particularly stressful night last night, I went for a walk downtown this morning to enjoy the nice weather. Along my travels, I ducked into the book store and picked up a copy of The Stranger Beside Me by Ann Rule, and the premier issue of a delightful tattoo culture magazine called Bound By Ink. The new Anita Blake novel is out, but I won’t be able to afford it for awhile, which depressed me a bit. Hardcovers are so expensive, and most of my favourite authors come out with hardcovers. Usually I’m not patient enough for the soft covers, but it looks like this time I might have to be.

I’ve been listening to this song a lot… and it’s striking chords inside of me that I didn’t even know I had. I think I’m in love. <3

Read more information about Paul Gray’s death here, and here is a link to the Slipknot press conference.

Other than that bit of sadness, I really have nothing to report. Work has taken over my life. Management changed over again. Apparently it’s going to change over again in a few weeks. If I didn’t absolutely need this job… I would leave. It’s ridiculous. Ah well. I’ll get through it, like always.

New layout coming soon, as soon as I figure out what I messed up in the coding.

EDIT: I forgot to mention, but please welcome my new affiliate and addition to the Bone Garden, Anna. Make sure to check her out.

So, I’ve applied to take a position on the day shift. If I get it, it will be a pay deduction, but it will get me away from The Brown Nose Supreme and the stress of being helpless and ignored. I want to have a life, too. Working nights and sleeping all day… my life is non-existent outside of work. I would like to join the world again.

On my day off, I decided to take a walk, and was delighted to see that the local vegetation was starting to bloom. I was so thrilled, because it means spring is in full swing and I’m going to have a nice green summer. I had to take pictures, because I’m a lamer like that. Forgive the quality… my cellphone was all I had.

I need to get outside more, I think. Lather on the SPF 110 (need to maintain that pallor) and go hiking. Maybe I’ll do that next Tuesday.

The scabs have almost all fallen off now, which is a blessing… I’ve had difficultly this time around. I think out of all my tattoo work, this one ended up being the one that bled the most, and was the most itchy during the healing process. Next up… my Hellraiser sleeve. I’m excited.

These last few weeks have been hectic and maddening. Work has been driving me up the wall… I looking into applying for a different position. As much as I love working nights and having the freedoms that brings, I’m sick and tired of the drama that is going on during my shift. It’s like I’m living in an episode of The Hills. Too much drama. And the friend I thought I had made… turns out I really, really cannot stand her. She makes fun of me for my stance on animals rights and my desire to be vegan, and she mispronounces Rammstein, because she knows it annoys me. More often than not I just want to punch her in the head. But… I’ve decided to stick with her, because when she’s not being an ass, we do actually get on quite well and she does make me laugh.

The new birth control I’m on is causing quite a stir in my systems. I’m only supposed to get my period once every three months, and not even the end of my first month, it hit me in the middle of work and I’ve been suffering maliciously at the hands of cramps and PMS ever since. I’m going to let this one pass though, and keep going on it, because it did say in the leaflet that I might get my period while my system gets used to the hormones. If it happens again, however… I will be taking it up with the doctor and getting onto something else. Curse you, fickle female human body.

Anyone who knows me knows that I don’t respond well to being hit on, or complimented. I just… don’t really respond at all, because in all honesty… I don’t really know how. It think it’s because I’ve been bullied so much about who I am and how I look, I can’t seem to tell the difference between sarcasm and sincerity. So I just… shut myself off to it. It also doesn’t help that in my relationships, they’ve always been really serious almost immediately and when I was single, I never actively looked for girl/boyfriend, so I never really did much of that… reading the mating calls of others stuff. I can’t tell if people are actually legitimately hitting on me, making fun of me, or just being nice. My friend Dave is one of these people. With him, I just cannot tell if he’s making a move on me, or if he’s just being nice. He’s always calling me pet names, like darling or sweetie, and he leans into me when we’re on the couch or finds some way to brush his arm past mine or touch my shoulder or something. I don’t even know if he’s conscious of doing it. I am always aware of it, because when it happens, my brain freezes and it’s like “OMGWHATDIDHEJUSTDOTHERE.” Tonight, he did something he’s never done before – he kissed me on top of my head. I don’t know what to make of it, or if there is anything to make of it. Maybe I’m just being a paranoid idiot, I don’t know. He is my friend, so I don’t want to stir something up over nothing and lose him. But on the other hand, if he is making passes at me, I don’t want to lead him on in any way. I wish people were programmed with something like the Shinigami eyes from Death Note. Instead of life expectancies and names however, it would read peoples’ intentions. So much easier.

I’m working on the new layout right now. I have high hopes for how it’s going to turn out. Hopefully I’ll have that up within the next week or so. I have my fingers crossed.

However, the problem is that I still have cravings for meat occasionally… chicken especially. The cravings are so powerful sometimes, that my body just… panics until I get it. And then after I eat it, I feel bloated and ashamed of myself for giving in. I don’t know how to remedy this. I’ve watched “Meet Your Meat,” I’ve tried eating a veggie burger instead… but the cravings are still there. They come and go. I can go a week of not having one, and then there are days when I get that sharp pang multiple times. I guess it’s to be expected. After 22 years of being someone with a mostly carnivorous diet, surrounded by carnivores… I should expect some longing for a bacon double cheeseburger. I just… wish there was an easier way. Like I could just wake up one day and be a vegan without all of this work. I wish I could just… change right away and not have to go through the pain of withdrawal, the war going on digestively as my body is becoming detoxified.

Sarah Kramer‘s books have been very helpful in getting me through this transition. Even though a lot of people rag on this book and say that it’s “too difficult” to follow, Skinny Bitch by Rory Freedman and Kim Barnouin has been motivational as well. I really hope that surrounding myself with good literature and the entire reason I started this journey to begin with (they were five good reasons actually) that these cravings will pass. It’s within my reach.

Things have been going well lately. Work has been as hectic as ever, thanks to the management switching over, half the crew not showing up to work and the freight issues we’re having. Thankfully, I’ve been able to relax my sore muscles the last couple of days and actually take a moment to breathe. I was feeling energetic this morning, so David and I went shopping. We ended up popping into the Magic card store (he bought some new duel decks for himself), the book store (I bought volumes four, five and six of Death Note by Tsugumi Ohba, Witchling by Yasmine Galenorn and the new issue of Tattoos for Women) and the Hobbit House (I bought Cunningham’s Book of Shadows by Scott Cunningham). After that, we headed to Trattoria’s for lunch, which is a cute little pasta shop a couple blocks from our house. I’m officially addicted to their citrus Italian soda. So good! After lunch, we stopped by Field’s, and I bought these cute little black capri pants with zippers on the sides, a black and red top, and a new black and purple bra. A lot of their clothes were on clearance, so it was a pretty good deal. Bargains = awesome.

It was really nice for David and I to spend the day together. We never really get to, because of our conflicted schedules. Not to mention, we’ve been having a rough time because of the infidelity incident before my birthday. I’m still having a hard time with trust, and believing he is where he says he is (when he told me the other night that he’d gone to Kyle’s and Alexis was there – my eyes just narrowed and I became hostile), but today it felt like old times. It’s was really nice, and I hope as things slowly get better, we’ll have more moments like the ones we had today. Of course it will never be like it was, but I’m hoping we can get close.

I get to start my new birth control on Sunday. I’m not very excited about this. The YAZ completely messed with my system, and aggravated my depression something fierce, so here’s to hoping that this is the last one I have to try and the disasters of before won’t happen again. I hate having a fickle body and fickle organ systems… it made it difficult for antidepressants and now it’s being difficult for birth control. Pain in my ass.

Well, I’m going to wrap this up for now. I think I’m going to take a bit of a break and watch Cloudy With A Chance of Meatballs before getting back to work on the site.

1. How many hours’ sleep do you need in order to be at your best, and what’s the minimum you can get on a regular basis and still be functional?
   To be at my best, I need anywhere from ten to fourteen hours consistently. However, I can survive on a minimum of six hours a night. Any less than that, and the claws come out.
2. What’s your favorite sleeping position?
   I sleep on my stomach, primarily. On my stomach, cuddling my large brown and crimson teddy bear, with the blanket wrapped around us both like a cocoon.
3. What was the cause of your most recent difficulty sleeping?
   The sunlight coming in through the window. I really, really need to invest in some blackout curtains.
4. When you can’t seem to drift off to sleep right away, what are some things you do to bring about sleep?
   I usually put a movie on or have something filling to eat, like oatmeal with bananas and flax.
5. When did you last doze off at an inappropriate time or in an inappropriate place?
   I fell asleep in the shower last night.

Work has been extremely annoying this past week. My boss is transferring to day shift at the end of the month, and since he announced it, he’s just been a royal dickhead. Last week, I had a little bit of an accident where some of the shelves in the shelving bay came out of their racks and smashed me in the side of the head. I had a bit of a concussion, but I decided to keep working and take it a bit easy instead of missing my whole shift to wait in the emergency room. I told him about it, and all he said to me was: “Well, if it made a hole in your head, you could put a ring through that one too.” Which… normally wouldn’t bother me, because I get those comments all of the time, but it was just the way he said it. Like he was sneering at me, and it was completely out of character. But it’s been like that all week, and it’s getting old. And of course, the people I work with aren’t that much better. I just… am getting so frustrated with the attitude that goes on, because it’s unnecessary and it hinders more than it helps. I wish I knew why everyone was in a crabby mood, so I could tell them to grow the fuck up already and get over it.

I’ve got so much to do in the next few weeks. I have to get my bedroom clean so I can move my furniture around… Mum is giving me and David a bed frame, so I have to make sure there’s room to set it up and position it so I won’t be kept awake by the sun all night. I’m also moving my living room around and getting the hallway ready for painting. I’m going to hopefully end up painting my entire house this year, but I want to start in the hallway because it’s the worst in the house. Lots of shopping to do on pay day, as well. I’m thinking about getting my hair trimmed up and having either some pink streaks put in, or a perm done. Haven’t decided yet. My hair is getting to the phase where I need to do something with it or I will go mad and shave it all off. I’m not used to having long(ish) hair, and I don’t think I will ever be.

I also want to re-do this domain. I know that I say that all the time, but I’m actually making some steady progress. Should be good if it all works out.

There is my “I love myself!” moment for today. Gotta love it.