Work is a constant source of stress. I’m trying to ignore all of the drama, but it just doesn’t seem to be working. I’ve begun to actually loathe the idea entirely of going to work. Which… for me is pretty big because I used to really love my job. My new manager, Mike, is never around. When he is, he’s off on his own planet and when I try to talk to him about the problems I’m having, I can barely get two words out of my mouth before he runs off again. My new support manager Brandon, is (as Bryce so eloquently put it) a bird brain. He doesn’t think things through, and more often than not, I have to call him and tell him I’m unable to do the task he’s given me because there is either no room to put the merchandise out or he’s given me no direction. I would normally figure things out for myself, but all changes have to have managerial approval, or else I get in trouble. Which… doesn’t make sense to me because they’re always nagging us to take the initiative. My other support manager, Ron, is a hardcore racist and talks trash about everyone, including me, even through I’ve never done anything to him to warrant that kind of treatment. Things with co-workers are getting worse as well. There are two individuals in particular that just… eat at my nerves. I understand that neither of them like me, which is fine. Lots of people don’t like me, and it’s something I’ve come to terms with it. The problem that I’m having is that the both of them are so immature about it, and they’re over twice my age. It’s hard to deal with because I don’t know how to respond. I’m being polite and professional and trying to ignore them, but it’s getting progressively worse and I don’t know how to handle it. I’ve never really been in this kind of situation and it aggravates me. I’m going to corner Mike and tell him about it. I’ll block the door until he talks to me.

After a particularly stressful night last night, I went for a walk downtown this morning to enjoy the nice weather. Along my travels, I ducked into the book store and picked up a copy of The Stranger Beside Me by Ann Rule, and the premier issue of a delightful tattoo culture magazine called Bound By Ink. The new Anita Blake novel is out, but I won’t be able to afford it for awhile, which depressed me a bit. Hardcovers are so expensive, and most of my favourite authors come out with hardcovers. Usually I’m not patient enough for the soft covers, but it looks like this time I might have to be.

I’ve been listening to this song a lot… and it’s striking chords inside of me that I didn’t even know I had. I think I’m in love. <3

Read more information about Paul Gray’s death here, and here is a link to the Slipknot press conference.

Other than that bit of sadness, I really have nothing to report. Work has taken over my life. Management changed over again. Apparently it’s going to change over again in a few weeks. If I didn’t absolutely need this job… I would leave. It’s ridiculous. Ah well. I’ll get through it, like always.

New layout coming soon, as soon as I figure out what I messed up in the coding.

EDIT: I forgot to mention, but please welcome my new affiliate and addition to the Bone Garden, Anna. Make sure to check her out.

The scabs have almost all fallen off now, which is a blessing… I’ve had difficultly this time around. I think out of all my tattoo work, this one ended up being the one that bled the most, and was the most itchy during the healing process. Next up… my Hellraiser sleeve. I’m excited.

These last few weeks have been hectic and maddening. Work has been driving me up the wall… I looking into applying for a different position. As much as I love working nights and having the freedoms that brings, I’m sick and tired of the drama that is going on during my shift. It’s like I’m living in an episode of The Hills. Too much drama. And the friend I thought I had made… turns out I really, really cannot stand her. She makes fun of me for my stance on animals rights and my desire to be vegan, and she mispronounces Rammstein, because she knows it annoys me. More often than not I just want to punch her in the head. But… I’ve decided to stick with her, because when she’s not being an ass, we do actually get on quite well and she does make me laugh.

The new birth control I’m on is causing quite a stir in my systems. I’m only supposed to get my period once every three months, and not even the end of my first month, it hit me in the middle of work and I’ve been suffering maliciously at the hands of cramps and PMS ever since. I’m going to let this one pass though, and keep going on it, because it did say in the leaflet that I might get my period while my system gets used to the hormones. If it happens again, however… I will be taking it up with the doctor and getting onto something else. Curse you, fickle female human body.

Anyone who knows me knows that I don’t respond well to being hit on, or complimented. I just… don’t really respond at all, because in all honesty… I don’t really know how. It think it’s because I’ve been bullied so much about who I am and how I look, I can’t seem to tell the difference between sarcasm and sincerity. So I just… shut myself off to it. It also doesn’t help that in my relationships, they’ve always been really serious almost immediately and when I was single, I never actively looked for girl/boyfriend, so I never really did much of that… reading the mating calls of others stuff. I can’t tell if people are actually legitimately hitting on me, making fun of me, or just being nice. My friend Dave is one of these people. With him, I just cannot tell if he’s making a move on me, or if he’s just being nice. He’s always calling me pet names, like darling or sweetie, and he leans into me when we’re on the couch or finds some way to brush his arm past mine or touch my shoulder or something. I don’t even know if he’s conscious of doing it. I am always aware of it, because when it happens, my brain freezes and it’s like “OMGWHATDIDHEJUSTDOTHERE.” Tonight, he did something he’s never done before – he kissed me on top of my head. I don’t know what to make of it, or if there is anything to make of it. Maybe I’m just being a paranoid idiot, I don’t know. He is my friend, so I don’t want to stir something up over nothing and lose him. But on the other hand, if he is making passes at me, I don’t want to lead him on in any way. I wish people were programmed with something like the Shinigami eyes from Death Note. Instead of life expectancies and names however, it would read peoples’ intentions. So much easier.

I’m working on the new layout right now. I have high hopes for how it’s going to turn out. Hopefully I’ll have that up within the next week or so. I have my fingers crossed.

I personally believe that every day should be Earth Day, but that’s just me I guess. LOL. Anyway, I hope everyone has a good Earth Day, and starts to take steps to guide us into a greener tomorrow.

Real blog post in the next couple of days… need to sleep now.

1. How many hours’ sleep do you need in order to be at your best, and what’s the minimum you can get on a regular basis and still be functional?
   To be at my best, I need anywhere from ten to fourteen hours consistently. However, I can survive on a minimum of six hours a night. Any less than that, and the claws come out.
2. What’s your favorite sleeping position?
   I sleep on my stomach, primarily. On my stomach, cuddling my large brown and crimson teddy bear, with the blanket wrapped around us both like a cocoon.
3. What was the cause of your most recent difficulty sleeping?
   The sunlight coming in through the window. I really, really need to invest in some blackout curtains.
4. When you can’t seem to drift off to sleep right away, what are some things you do to bring about sleep?
   I usually put a movie on or have something filling to eat, like oatmeal with bananas and flax.
5. When did you last doze off at an inappropriate time or in an inappropriate place?
   I fell asleep in the shower last night.

Work has been extremely annoying this past week. My boss is transferring to day shift at the end of the month, and since he announced it, he’s just been a royal dickhead. Last week, I had a little bit of an accident where some of the shelves in the shelving bay came out of their racks and smashed me in the side of the head. I had a bit of a concussion, but I decided to keep working and take it a bit easy instead of missing my whole shift to wait in the emergency room. I told him about it, and all he said to me was: “Well, if it made a hole in your head, you could put a ring through that one too.” Which… normally wouldn’t bother me, because I get those comments all of the time, but it was just the way he said it. Like he was sneering at me, and it was completely out of character. But it’s been like that all week, and it’s getting old. And of course, the people I work with aren’t that much better. I just… am getting so frustrated with the attitude that goes on, because it’s unnecessary and it hinders more than it helps. I wish I knew why everyone was in a crabby mood, so I could tell them to grow the fuck up already and get over it.

I’ve got so much to do in the next few weeks. I have to get my bedroom clean so I can move my furniture around… Mum is giving me and David a bed frame, so I have to make sure there’s room to set it up and position it so I won’t be kept awake by the sun all night. I’m also moving my living room around and getting the hallway ready for painting. I’m going to hopefully end up painting my entire house this year, but I want to start in the hallway because it’s the worst in the house. Lots of shopping to do on pay day, as well. I’m thinking about getting my hair trimmed up and having either some pink streaks put in, or a perm done. Haven’t decided yet. My hair is getting to the phase where I need to do something with it or I will go mad and shave it all off. I’m not used to having long(ish) hair, and I don’t think I will ever be.

I also want to re-do this domain. I know that I say that all the time, but I’m actually making some steady progress. Should be good if it all works out.

There is my “I love myself!” moment for today. Gotta love it.

The good thing is that Aaron assured Randy and I that steps are being taken by management to make the changes necessary to get our crew functioning the way it’s supposed to be. Talking to Aaron… I got the feeling that they’re going to go over Jason’s head to do this and that they might even remove him as the night manager. It was kind of like… he said it without saying it. He said to not make any rash decisions, and to be patient because change was on the way. He also told me that the crew couldn’t survive without Randy and I, which… literally made me glow for the majority of the night.

Things at home have been kind of a downer. My poor little Elizabeth Bathory miscarried her kittens. I’ve been very upset about the loss… especially since I actually felt them kick inside of her belly. She has been very depressed since the incident as well, and I’ve been trying to comfort her and make sure she’s warm and cuddled. David was the one who ended up finding her with the kittens, and in a way… I’m glad it was him and not me, because I don’t think I could have handled that. He loves the cats, but to him, they’re just cats. To me, they’re my best friends.. my children, even. Those babies had all of my love from the moment I found out about them. Even if I never knew them, they were my friends. Once I can get my income tax, I’m going to take her up to the vet and get checked out and spayed. I don’t want her to ever have to go through that loss ever again. The other cats have been very supportive of her, keeping her company and whatnot. I was surprised at that, because Miss Bathory and the other cats don’t usually get along.

It’s so nice to have three days off… I should have the new layout up here later on (if I don’t fall asleep), and then I’m going to work on some of my projects. I’ve been trying to think of new things to add, but I’m coming up dry. Hopefully a little bit of relaxation time wets the muse.

I passed my evaluations at work with flying colours. I was actually surprised, because I’m apparently doing much better than I thought. Jason told me that I was actually in the higher areas of the spectrum, and he appreciated me being on the team because I was one of the only employees who listened to directions, did what I was told and actually worked instead of socialized. He said that he noticed my absence when I wasn’t working, and that I was one of his “go-to gals.” My only demerit was that I’m too quiet. Which made me internally roll my eyes, because at almost every job that I’ve ever had, that’s always been a point of contention. I’m not worried about it, but it kind of burned me a bit. I’m a quiet person, and on my breaks I’d rather read then engage in loud, vulgar, useless conversations with my co-workers. I don’t see why that’s a problem. I’d rather just get my work done and go home than stand around, chat and accomplish nothing. Ah well. That little point aside, it was good for my ego to feel appreciated. I needed a good boost.

My cat Elizabeth Bathory is pregnant. Which… I’m confused as to when that occurred. The father is either the stray that keeps breaking into my house (he broke through the window – I’ve named him Nathan Explosion because that’s who he reminds me of), or my little baby boy Lucifer. Though… I’m hoping it’s Lucifer, because if it isn’t… Mr. Nathan Explosion will have fathered three litters of kittens in my neighbourhood that I know of, and I have a kitten from each of the previous litters. After the kittens are born, Kaylie is going to help me to pay for having Elizabeth Bathory, Lucifer and Pickles fixed. Pickles isn’t old enough yet, but by the time we get through the first two, he should be. I’ve been speaking to friends, and I have homes already for three of them. I don’t think that my girl is going to have many babies. I’m waiting patiently for them to arrive… I’m excited. And you know… I really can’t help but be excited. I love cats. However… I feel awful, because I should have taken better precautions to prevent this situation. It was something I should have taken care of a long time ago, and I’ve given myself a good mental flogging over it. I know the friends that I’ve spoken to will provide good homes for the kittens.

Lately I’ve been listening to a lot of music that I used to be into when I was in early high school, just out of random boredom, and I must say that my favourite rediscovery is silverchair. I was a huge fan of these guys when I was younger, especially after Neon Ballroom came out. This is one of my favourite songs from that album:

I still even know all of the words.

That just… completely made my day. I’m completely amazed, because a couple of years ago, this would have greatly offended me. I’m glad that I’ve come to a point in my life where I can accept myself as a big girl, and have a sense of humor about it. Thinking about it… if I was ever offered the chance to be a skinny girl, I don’t think I’d go for it. I have always been and always will be a big girl. My bone structure dictates that of me and that’s not something that I can change. It’s taken me almost twenty-two years, but I think I’ve finally accepted that. It makes me happy, because my curves finally make me feel sexy. I want my big hips and my big chest, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything. My fitness goals are no longer to be that skinny chick that I’ve always idealized, but to instead be healthy.

This year has already had a lot of promise, and I just… feel this swell of joy because I know that so many good things are still to come.

One of the good things to come is that I finally was able to book my tattoo appointment with Trevor, and I was able to secure my birthday. The tattoo itself is going to take multiple sessions; one for line work and the other for colour/shading. When it’s done, it should span my entire right forearm. I’m really excited, because Trevor is an amazing artist and I know from his excitement about the design, he’s going to do some good work for me. The design I settled on is the “Draco Rosa” from Alchemy Gothic. This is what it looks like:

Not the highest quality image, but I just fell in love with it. Hopefully this will be the first tattoo in a series of many with Trevor… we click and I can converse with him, which was something I didn’t have with Tuesday or Brian. I like to feel comfortable with my artist, not judged.