Work is a constant source of stress. I’m trying to ignore all of the drama, but it just doesn’t seem to be working. I’ve begun to actually loathe the idea entirely of going to work. Which… for me is pretty big because I used to really love my job. My new manager, Mike, is never around. When he is, he’s off on his own planet and when I try to talk to him about the problems I’m having, I can barely get two words out of my mouth before he runs off again. My new support manager Brandon, is (as Bryce so eloquently put it) a bird brain. He doesn’t think things through, and more often than not, I have to call him and tell him I’m unable to do the task he’s given me because there is either no room to put the merchandise out or he’s given me no direction. I would normally figure things out for myself, but all changes have to have managerial approval, or else I get in trouble. Which… doesn’t make sense to me because they’re always nagging us to take the initiative. My other support manager, Ron, is a hardcore racist and talks trash about everyone, including me, even through I’ve never done anything to him to warrant that kind of treatment. Things with co-workers are getting worse as well. There are two individuals in particular that just… eat at my nerves. I understand that neither of them like me, which is fine. Lots of people don’t like me, and it’s something I’ve come to terms with it. The problem that I’m having is that the both of them are so immature about it, and they’re over twice my age. It’s hard to deal with because I don’t know how to respond. I’m being polite and professional and trying to ignore them, but it’s getting progressively worse and I don’t know how to handle it. I’ve never really been in this kind of situation and it aggravates me. I’m going to corner Mike and tell him about it. I’ll block the door until he talks to me.

After a particularly stressful night last night, I went for a walk downtown this morning to enjoy the nice weather. Along my travels, I ducked into the book store and picked up a copy of The Stranger Beside Me by Ann Rule, and the premier issue of a delightful tattoo culture magazine called Bound By Ink. The new Anita Blake novel is out, but I won’t be able to afford it for awhile, which depressed me a bit. Hardcovers are so expensive, and most of my favourite authors come out with hardcovers. Usually I’m not patient enough for the soft covers, but it looks like this time I might have to be.

I’ve been listening to this song a lot… and it’s striking chords inside of me that I didn’t even know I had. I think I’m in love. <3

So, I’ve applied to take a position on the day shift. If I get it, it will be a pay deduction, but it will get me away from The Brown Nose Supreme and the stress of being helpless and ignored. I want to have a life, too. Working nights and sleeping all day… my life is non-existent outside of work. I would like to join the world again.

On my day off, I decided to take a walk, and was delighted to see that the local vegetation was starting to bloom. I was so thrilled, because it means spring is in full swing and I’m going to have a nice green summer. I had to take pictures, because I’m a lamer like that. Forgive the quality… my cellphone was all I had.

I need to get outside more, I think. Lather on the SPF 110 (need to maintain that pallor) and go hiking. Maybe I’ll do that next Tuesday.

I’m so rested now… it feels really good. Unfortunately I have to go back to work tonight. I’ve really been hating my job lately, seeing as how my boss has been taking his frustrations out on us and being a huge asshole. He actually came into the lunch room during break a couple of days ago, and told us all that our “work ethic was bullshit” and we were all a bunch of lazy, good-for-nothing slackers. Yeah, as if that would galvanize me to try and work harder? Yeah right. I was so angry I almost walked out. I was like… frothing at the mouth angry. It’s only thing to be rude, but it’s a completely different thing to paint us all with the same brush. If it doesn’t get better now that the holiday rush is over… I will be transferring to day shift, and that will be the end of that.

Thank you to everyone who commented on the new layout – I really appreciate it. I’m actually really proud of this one, because I actually did this one with little to no help. All the problems, I actually figured them out myself. Which I am taking as a good sign that my coding abilities, and my understanding of WordPress, are getting better. To all who were wondering, the group of men featured in this layout is the Polish black metal band Behemoth, who I have taken quite a shine too. The photo is from their photoshoot for their newest album, Evangelion, and the lyrics are from that album’s first single, “Ov Fire And The Void.” If you have a moment, you should really look that song up… the music video is amazing.

I was glancing at my schedule for next week, and it looks like I am not scheduled to work on Monday, along with my usual two days. I’m really happy about this, because it will give me a chance to catch up on my housework, as well as ample time to get some work done on this site. My goal is to have my poetry site up (at least the main page), both my Filth clique and my Black Bird fanlisting re-done with new layouts and content (and I need to get some affiliation for those to spread the word) and some of the content up for the content section of this site. Excited? Very much so. I think I finally have some of my creative juices back.

I went to the doctor last Tuesday, and the test results that have come back have all been clean. I have to go and get a couple of tests redone, because there was some blood mix up at the lab and the samples they took were too old for accurate results. Which… made me very angry, because now I have to go and get more blood taken. I’ve decided I’m not going to do that until Monday morning, though. My dad is going in to get his blood work done, so I can just get a ride with him instead of walking across town to go to the hospital. Cursed hospital. I am so sick and tired of that place. Hopefully after this, I won’t have to go back for a very long time.

I’m so behind on my preparations for this Yuletide. This entire month just kind of snuck up on me. It seems that most of my presents will be given after the fact, because I can’t seem to financially recover from seven months of unemployment. I know that I eventually will, but not until January at least. It’s a good thing that I don’t have too many people to buy for – my family (I figure that this year I’ll get my dad/brother/sister something big and then something separate for my mum), David, Sean, Tamara and Kaylie. Which… is a considerably smaller list than last year.

And now, off to sleep.

My father was admitted to the ICU yesterday because they found another blood clot in his lungs. They were able to actually catch this one in a routine stress check up, so I’m grateful for that. I don’t think my dad would’ve been able to go through the entire ordeal of another heart attack. He was taken by ambulance to the hospital in Kamloops, tested and then brought back here. I don’t really know too much… my family has gone out of their way to make sure of that, like they always do. They all said that they tried to call me multiple times throughout the day, but my phone only displayed one missed call. So I was just like what-the-fuck-ever. I’ll go visit my dad when I can, or I’ll talk to him when he gets out. My dad and I don’t generally get along,but he’s still my dad. I know I would feel guilty later on if I didn’t.

I’ve gotten into a lot of fights with people who I thought were friends over the last couple of days. The ordeal made me realize that those who I thought were my friends, really aren’t, and even if you’ve known someone for (in my case) eight years, they can turn on you in an instant. And someone who I thought would never betray me, did. She didn’t even have the courage to say a word to my face, she proceeded to ignore me and force me to draw my own conclusions. She phased me out. Another instance of one of my closest girlfriends choosing the dick over her chick. The worst part is that it was the same dick that V chose over me. At first it really hurt, but now… I’m alright, I think. I’ve accepted it. Out of the friends I have here in town, there are only three left that I know I can depend on. It makes me sad, because I know it didn’t have to turn out this way.

But, alas, Life moves forward. To make myself feel better, I’ve dedicated my days off to a marathon of The Vampire Diaries, True Blood, and chocolate cake. That, and working on this site. I’ve got a plan, and I think for once, it’ll work out.

If anyone reading this knows of blogging script that is similar to FanUpdate, please let me know. I’m going to go absolutely insane and pull out all of my hair.

To cheer myself up, I bought some new nail polish and did my nails:

I figured I’d have fun with Hallowe’en colours. Next time I might try black and white… who knows. LOL. Click image for larger version.

Things are still rather unpleasant around my humble abode. I’m not sure exactly what I’m doing anymore, so I’ve just been keeping to myself. Soon after I posted my poem on Facebook, Vanessa messaged me on MSN saying that she never told me that she didn’t want to talk. Which… made me seethe a bit inside, because that’s exactly what she said. She then went on to say that she missed me, but she was confused about everything that went on/is going on now and she didn’t know what to do. I said my piece, and since that conversation, she hasn’t spoken to me again. So I’m going to assume that things are back to the way they were previously. I’m not going to shed any tears about it though, because I’m trying to look on the brights ide of things… as dank and dark as they may be.

I passed my first stage of interviews at Walmart, so I’m pretty excited about that. My second interview is on the 26th, and hopefully that will be the last round. Hopefully I get this job, because if I do, it means a full time night crew spot, with benefits. If I get benefits, I’ll be able to get new glasses and my cavities filled. Which… will be a super bonus because my teeth are starting to really ache. I just… really hope that this works out. Working more means getting out and exercising more, which means I’ll start losing weight faster. It also means that I’ll actually be getting out of the house. As much as I’ll miss sitting around and sleeping in as late as I like… I prefer having structure in my life.

Also, I’m going to be going to the Slipknot concert in Vancouver with my friend Adam in the beginning of October. I haven’t seen him in three years, so it’s going to be… certainly different. It will also be the second time I’ve seen Slipknot (I saw them on the Subliminal Verses tour for my 17th birthday, with Unearth and Killswitch Engage), which is awesome… they certainly do give you your moneys worth.

I’m working on a new template… I’m having some CSS issues, but hopefully I’ll be able to work those out later on. I’m going to try and run it through a validator and see if that helps. I’m also going to try and get some content going on… updated information for this and that. Hopefully. LOL.

My friends seem to think that it’s my depression back in full swing, but they don’t realize that that never goes away, I will always have that. This time, though, I don’t think depression is really it. This feels… different, I guess. I can’t really describe it correctly. I was thinking about it all the way to Quesnel last night, and I think I’ve solved it.

Since I lost my job all those months ago, I really haven’t done anything. I rarely (if ever) leave the house, I don’t like to do things for myself, and I don’t enjoy anything. I don’t take pride in my appearance like I did when I was working… I don’t wear make up at all anymore, and my hair is a chaotic mess. I stepped on the scale last night, and actually thew up. The amount of weight I’ve gained… I knew I had gained a little bit, but that much… I can’t even wrap my brain around it. The worst part of it is that I don’t look like I weight that much, at all. I’ve only gone up one size in clothing, so I don’t know where this extra weight is hiding. I feel sick even thinking about it.

I decided that the only way to pull myself out of this, is to force myself, to literally throw myself back into Life. I need to change my diet (though not much – I am pretty much eating vegan already aside from the occassional slip up), get exercising, and get into the job searching full time. Once I have the job thing secured, I’ll be saving up to go to the gym. I have work out DVDs to tie me over until I can afford it. I can’t wait around for my sister anymore, delaying and delaying as she always does. When I went to the health food store the other day, the nutritionist lady recommended to me some fibre pills that will help control my appetite naturally, so hopefully that will be a big help.

Once I get home from Quesnel on Tuesday (David and I are here visiting his mum), my house is going to be ransacked. No more Coca-cola, no more ice cream, no more quick and easy meals… I’m done. Nothing tastes as good as how good I’m going to feel when I get my energy back. Wednesday is going to be dedicated to getting my resume done and handed out… if I need to hide piercings to get a job… so be it. Now that Alice isn’t working at Zellers anymore… I might be able to get my old job back. I’m keeping my fingers crossed. Hopefully I’ll have a job by the middle of September. Sean found a job, I don’t see why I can’t.

This site is going to get the revamp it’s been waiting for… when I get my cheque in a little bit, I’m going to be upgrading my hosting so I can start a weightloss blog and some other projects I’ve been throwing around. 8)  I’ve never had a weightloss blog, but hopefully it will help me keep my motivation.

My time in Prince Rupert with my mum was wonderful, and I really didn’t want to leave. I was quite content in the cool, ocean temperature. Coming back here, to this sweltering inferno… it was difficult, to say the least. I don’t deal well in heat, and I wasn’t even back twelve hours before I came down with a bout of heatstroke. The heat is unbearable, and I’m so miserable. As soon as I think I’m getting over my heatstroke, we have another sweltering day and it rages on me again. Lately all I’ve been consuming is Gravol, ginger ale and water. Anything else just doesn’t sit right, and no amount of air conditioning in the world is helping. To attempt to remedy ourselves from the heat, Tamara and I have taken to sitting out all day on the back porch, where it’s shadiest during the day. I bring the stero and a huge pile of books, and we’re good to go.

They’ve been promising rain, and it did rain for about five minutes today… but I’m hoping for more. I hate looking out the window and seeing the dry lightening, because I always get my hopes up that it’s going to rain. Just a few solid days of rain – is that too much to ask? If it doesn’t cool off soon, I’m going to go insane. I’m already so tempted to just move into my parents’ basement for the remainder of the summer, because it’s like ice down there. The only deterrent is my sister… I can only handle her in small doses. If I went home, she’d never leave me alone. The heat is the lesser of the two evils. I am suffering. David’s mum is going to lend us the money for a better air conditioner, so hopefully that helps.

A couple days ago, I went and got myself a faux hawk. I wish I could say that it helped cool me down, because it didn’t. When the heat has cooled enough so that it doesn’t melt when I style it, I’ll take a picture and post it up on here.

Anyways. I think I’m going to head off to bed… more updates later.

It’s horrible, I hate it. If it’s not one problem with so-and-so, it’s another problem with what’s-her-face. I’m so tired of having to deal with other people’s problems. It’s all thrown on me. I’m dumped on like I’m some kind of public toilet, and it’s gotten to the point where I can’t handle anymore crap (forgive the analogy but it’s all I’ve got). My supposed best friend K has pretty much dumped me. She spends all of her time with V’s reject boyfriend, ignore my calls and my texts, skips out on plans… and then has the nerve to turn around today and tell me that she feels like she’s been replaced? :x Honestly, what the fuck is going on? I’ve tried asking her what’s wrong, what’s going on, why she’s being this way, and her only answer seems to be that she “just can’t talk to me about it now,” and she’ll “explain it all later.” It hurts me immensely that she says that, because I know for a fact that V’s reject boyfriend knows all about it. I just can’t get over the feeling that it has something to do with him. The first thing that always pops into my mind is that they’ve become intimately involved. It also hurts because later has turned into half a year.

That’s just one of the problems that is plaguing me right now. I’m going to take the high road, however, and stay out of everything. If K wants to suddenly behave this way with no explanation or reasion, fine. That’s her journey. We’ve had a good run (fourteen years), and she obviously is heading somewhere that I’m not. All I can do is keep a peaceful mind and do my own thing, and hope she’ll come around. To jump start my separation from the drama, I’m taking a vacation with my mother. She and I are going up to Prince Rupert for a week, to visit my family up there. It might be one of the last times I get to see my grandma, and I haven’t see my aunts in a long time, so I’m looking forward to it. I’m going to be taking a lot of meditative music and my journal, so I can do some soul searching and writing.

Things here have been put on hold until I return next week. The new template is still having its kinks worked out, and I was given that new project I was looking forward to, so that will be going up as well. I will be in a much better frame of creative mind when I return, so maybe there will be even a couple more projects that I’ll debut in the next month or so.

Until I get back, I will be updating my Twitter account like a mad woman (I’ll have 3G capabilities so I will be taking major advantage of it), so follow me if you’re interested. See you all in a week!